oh, love!

<3

I am standing with Dad at Stern Grove, a free outdoor music festival in a forest in San Francisco, while Mom is sitting on a picnic blanket within our line of sight, surrounded by my friends. She’s close enough for us to see her clearly but far enough away that she can’t hear us.

Dad smiles and watches Mom rummaging through her bag. “She’s thirsty,” he says. Mom continues searching until she eventually finds her water bottle and takes a sip. Dad, still watching: “Her back hurts.” Right after sipping her water, she lies back on the picnic blanket and places one hand on her lower back.

I look at Dad, amazed. I’ve never thought of him as a romantic partner to my mom but maybe I just haven’t been paying enough attention. I smile, taking in the quiet magic of seeing Mom through Dad’s eyes. It’s like secondhand embarrassment—except instead of embarrassment, it was secondhand love. For a brief moment, I bask in the joy of second hand love with a full heart.

*

Love has been on my mind lately. Maybe it’s because I watched Rocky Aur Rani Ki Prem Kahani with my parents. Maybe it’s because I read the best vows I’ve ever come across in my life, in Growing Together. Maybe it’s because I stopped talking to a boy I deeply admire and was kind of co-regulating with (because of logistical complications). But for whatever reason, love has been on my mind. I know love is on a lot of people’s minds, often, whether you're in love or not.

*

I think I use the word love very generously. If I feel it in the moment, I want to tell you, “I love you.” I want to express my love LOUDLY—in caps. I hug with all my body and heart. I like to say, “Love you” to all my friends when I say goodbye. I write to my friends (and lovers, when in season) lots and lots of handwritten letters, expressing in specific detail the what, why, and how of my love.

I used to think: that must feel good instantly to everyone, right? To be on the receiving end of my overwhelming love—has to feel good. But I’m learning that’s not always true. I feel both celebrated for the deep well of love I have to give—and, at times, I definitely end up overwhelming a person or two.

When I notice someone on the receiving end of my deep affection kind of curling up, I joke “ Sorry I am love bombing you”. But I’m kind of not sorry. And I kind of want to continue love bombing them. If I have love in my heart to give, I want to give it, unrestricted by anything. May be that’s selfish. Maybe my expression of love toward other people is a selfish act of wanting to be seen.

The people who I feel most seen by are people I feel I can give love to endlessly without being afraid it’s too much. They are inspired to be on the receiving end of this love. I guess you can always make it work between two people but if their capacity to give and their capacity to receive is not compatible: it’s not gonna work. Naturally, these capacities evolve over time. But some of the best relationships have a natural compatibility not just in love languages but in love capacities.

(Romantics: keep looking, I guess! )

Some of my friends were describing the natural progression of romantic pursuits. When you start seeing someone, you say you “like” them. You don’t use the word love. “Love” should be reserved for something deeper—something you “work your way up to.” When you say it, it needs to hold weight. In this culture, love might mean: I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Maybe it means: I’ll be with you, by your side, no matter what arises. Not that I see people always end up forever with those they say “I love you” to—but people at least try to guard it. Beyond romantic pursuits, in cross-gender friendships, you have to be careful when and how often you say it. Saying it platonically is kind of a big deal and somewhat uncomfortable, even in 2025. I hear their concern. I get it. It’s supposed to mean something. I just think mine means something, constantly.

There is a lot of nuance to be discussed here. But if you squint with me, I want to ask: How did we end up in a culture where we need to be so careful and measured in love? We can treat love like it’s abundant and spill it everywhere unafraid. Or we could be careful and evaluative: make sure all future versions of ourselves align with how we feel in this moment, package it neatly in a “what does it mean?” box, verify that the other person feels the same way, verify you aren’t overwhelming them, and only then—show love. Gosh!!

I just enjoy being so wasteful with my love.

*